Last week, I published a video where I took you back with me to the field where I took a tumble off a horse fifteen years ago, shattered my ankle, and the journey to amputation began.
At first, I had the inclination to make this video purely for creative reasons. I thought of the angles, the shots, and the story that I could tell. But as I began actually planning my trip back there, I realized I had to consider the possible emotional impact. I was going to hobble back to the very spot that changed my entire life.
The last time I was in that field, I was an able-bodied thirteen-year-old girl who "just" had a badly broken ankle. There was no way I could have envisioned what life would hold for me. Surgery - after surgery - after surgery. Being called home from the college I worked so hard to get into and loved after only one semester because my ankle had gotten so painful I could barely walk. The countless sports and workouts I had to step away from due to pain. And eventually, on a sunny day in October, the day my ankle was removed from my body in an attempt to stop the pain and give me a shot at a better life.
All of this stemming from my horse tripping in a field and me hurling over her shoulder.
I often underestimate the emotional impact that things will have. I feel like I "should" be immune to them, so I attempt to shove all my emotions deep down in an effort to numb them. A few weeks ago as I got out of the car by that fated field, I opened myself up to whatever feelings would rush in.
Yet, there was nothing. No tears. No panic. No anxiety.
I felt the wind over the Colorado plains and noticed a small heard of antelope grazing in the distance. As we hiked out to the place it actually occurred, I smelled the delightful scent of blooming flowers. The gentle simplicity of an ecosystem pleasantly going about its day spread joy through my body. There is no evil in nature - nothing holding malice towards us. Returning to the place where it all began brought me an unexpected sense of calm. It was beautiful there - and though my life changed forever on that day, I'm grateful that the place it happened is one of harmony, nature, and peace.