We associate anniversaries with celebration, gifts, and parties.
There are so many happy anniversaries in my life.
But this month, October, brings shadowed anniversaries back to the forefront of my mind.
When the leaves start to change it triggers memories of a lot of the trauma I've experienced. The month of October is especially dark. I try to do things every year to brighten this month, but it always holds darkness over me.
I wrote a letter and created an art video out of the feeling this year.
You snuck in early this year. In the middle of September, I felt your chill icing around the edges of my heart. While everyone around me celebrates the return of scarves and pumpkin spice lattes, I begin to crawl into myself.
I wish I could participate in their joy. The playful Halloween decorations that have begun to adorn my neighborhood frighten me with their monstrous faces.
October, I wish we could reconcile. I wish that I didn't know you as a thing of my nightmares. Your air is a weapon against me. If I step outside and breathe it in, my lungs are punctured with knives of so many memories. I wish I could disassociate myself from them.
Your crisp, beautiful blue skies exist only to remind me of the days I learned nothing - nothing - would ever feel safe again.
As my neighbors celebrate the season's change, I wrap myself with the small comfort o knowing that this month must end soon.
Maybe one day I will greet you with open arms.
Maybe one day I, too, will gleefully revel in October's call for sweaters and cozy hats.
Maybe one day you won't simply serve as a reminder of who I will never be again.
Of all I've lost.
For today, I cling to the knowledge that you are but a moment of my year.
You must pass - and I will then breathe again with ease.