I'm not okay.
Thanks to the kind advice of a dear friend, I’ve recently realized that as often as I talk about the power of vulnerability, of being real, raw, and honest – I rarely show that.
I may say “I’m not okay”, but I tend to look it when the camera is on. So last night I turned the camera on when I was not at all okay; I spoke to it after one of the hardest counseling sessions I’ve ever been through. My mascara had been cried off hours ago and my hair was a wreck. I was honestly petrified to post it – what if you saw me for what I sometimes fear I truly am? A weak, worthless girls whose words amount to nothing more than self pity and weak cries for attention. I want to look strong. I want to look put together. I wanted to at least put some concealer.
But after a strong cup of coffee, I hit the dreaded upload button; and the amazing support and response has left me humbled and feeling so supported.
Today, I drove up to Fort Collins and spent a lot of the day alone and reflecting. I am still nowhere near okay. Shame is following me around and I can’t shake it – my head knows all the answers, but my heart doesn’t feel any of them and still believes that in some ways, it is all my fault. Spending time outdoors, in nature, in open spaces, continues to be food to my soul. Feeling the sun on my skin seems to bring my heartbeat back into pace with my soul, and less driven only by the tune of my anxiety.
I am so grateful for a day spent in the sun, outside, breathing – and the space to not be okay.
