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I Endorse Living in Denial

Some professionals may disagree with me here - and to be clear, I understand that living in denial isn't a *great* way to cope with life long term. But frankly, I thoroughly endorse it in the short term.

Just about two months ago, I had surgery for two bursas that had appeared on my residual limb (stump...nubbin...whatever you prefer!) that were preventing me from using my prosthesis since December. After three weeks of recovery, I was cleared to head back to my prosthetist and get fitted for a brand new leg. It was time to take a step forward, finally - figuratively, and literally!

I've gone to an initial prosthesis fitting before and know how it feels - its not comfortable, but there wasn't radiating pain before. After a long conversation with my prosthetist, I let myself rest in the idea that it was probably just "too soon" after surgery and the pain I was experiencing must just be that. But after taking it home and trying to use it for a week, I realized something was still very wrong. I couldn't even put my liner on with significant pain starting up. So I reluctantly called up my surgeon and trekked up to Denver to meet with him one more time.

Long story short, the consensus was that a brand new, unrelated nerve issue had developed. Nerves are difficult to treat - they're emotional almost, slow to heal, quick to anger, and hard to pinpoint and treat. We came up with a treatment plan, but even my surgeon didn't seem too convinced it would work. It has now been two weeks since that appointment. The pain has worsened even with fancy new compounded pain cream. As of a few days ago, one side of my leg is changing shape again to look suspiciously like a bursa again (or some other issue).

Disappointment and depression have tumbled down upon my head with ferocity this week. I'm exhausted by the constant pain and mounting problems - "I just want to walk!" But I know that this is how it goes, step forward, ten backwards. But one day the sun will break through, and it will all come together.

But for now, I've decided to commit to a temporary life of denial.

I'm going to pretend that none of this is real. Going through my daily life, I'm committed to pushing away all thoughts of doctor's calls, medical records, and my fear of the future. Just for this week, I'm going to live in the moment and pretend everything is okay. Sometimes, uncertainty of what is to come is too much to handle - so for now, I'm going to cuddle with my adorable puppies, work from home on the couch, and do my best to soak up all the beautiful tiny moments. I'll return to reality eventually - none of us can live in denial forever.

I know I need to face what is coming my way, and soon I will. But for today, I'm going to go warm up some organic pizza rolls (because those must be healthier than regular pizza rolls, right?), listen to Lewis Capaldi on repeat, and enjoy the small moments of today.

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